She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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