Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
