I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
