Best friends brother. Beat that.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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