i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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