His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
