Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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