i just wanna soil my oats bro
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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