first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
