You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
