So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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