I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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