does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
