dude i'm inner monologue high
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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