There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
