My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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