Please, let me fuck your mom
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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