don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Are we still banned from the library?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
