I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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