Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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