Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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