I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Houston, we have a blender
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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