Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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