finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
