I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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