masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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