we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
