Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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