Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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