if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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