chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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