I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
