My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
