My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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