I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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