I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
