nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
