the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
