so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
