I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
