Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So apparently I’m into choking now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
