Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
