: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
