she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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