OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
