I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
