shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
