that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I love having hate sex.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
