i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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