hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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