put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This is the high leading the old right now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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