She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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