Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
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