Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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