My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She told me I should be a condom model.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
