Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
