omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
