Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
